skip to content

Barry's Corner


February 2008

Heya! I want to take my February Corner Comments to chat about suicide. It's not the most upbeat topic for sure, but it is something that has been near to us at UConn recently and so it has become past time to talk about it. So, let's talk.

A thing that comes up with suicide is that it makes little sense to us why someone would do such a thing. Often times the person who suicides is someone we know, who is totally cool, has everything going for them, is smart, warm, friendly, giving, and an overall great person. And so it makes no sense. On the flip side of that smile, regretfully, can often be a person we never know. In fact, people who are serious about suicide often times think "all those people who say they love me only say that because they don't know the real me. If they knew the real me, they would know how unlovable I am." It is a terrible trap and describes the negative thinking and feeling cycle folks can get into. It also shows how thinking can get skewed and judgment can get warped. The "love them" thing is thus seen by the suicidal person as fake, shallow, or too removed to pertain. Often times suicidal folks are in such terrible emotional and/or physical pain that their quality of life becomes compromised. The person may suffer from crushing depression, raging bipolar disorder, debilitating anxiety, psychosis and paranoia, or a troubled and complicated personality style that leaves relationships broken. It is too embarrassing to share how much they suffer because it will be seen as weak, or unbelievable, trivial, or whiney. But again, remember we can see them as great people and they do not. Suicide can also be commonly referred to as the ultimate "screw you" as it can be an angry thing to finally show everyone how upset I am. Students sometimes share their phantasies about hoping they get hurt and end up in the hospital where people will finally feel sorry for them and give them attention. Suicide falls along those lines, but in a much, much more extreme way and again can be the final "I'll show you!"

Oddly, the person who suicides can feel pretty good about the idea as it becomes a solution to a terrible problem. It is finally something to do about something that feels so badly. Often the suicidal person has felt so hopeless and helpless for so long that finally suicide presents a solution. We even use language that reinforces this. We say the suicide was "unsuccessful" or the person "succeeded" in committing suicide. It is odd to call people killing themselves "successful." But from the suicidal person's perspective, that's exactly what it is. They seize the idea, develop the plan, put things in place, and if the plan does not work, they "fail" even though they are still alive. Despite this, most suicidal folks have ambivalence about killing themselves. We hear that folks who try suicide and do not complete it really didn't want to die, they just wanted to the pain of their lives to stop. It is a fine line, I know, but it does make a difference for the person who is trying suicide and those of us who would try to prevent it. So, there is a little about suicide. It doesn't explain everything, but may give a little insight.

In the early 1990's there was a group called "ACT-UP" who fought in the streets for acknowledgement about AIDS. Their slogan was "SILENCE=DEATH." Suicide could easily use this slogan. Since the person who suicides often times suffers silently, contemplates it silently, and usually dies silently, silence does equal death. Our job then is to talk about it, ask the questions of others, share our concerns, dialogue about it, suspect it in our communities, and drag the issue out of the closet to remove the stigma and shame associated with it. I say this not to give permission to suicide, but to put so much sunlight on it that those thinking about it will think twice.

Our website has two great pages to read that share about suicide prevention and your role in it. Check it out by clicking here. We also have a page that shares information if you are thinking suicide may solve your struggles. Check that page out by clicking here. I encourage you to read these pages to start dialogue with others about your worries for others or about yourself.

Suicide can be reduced. We do learn in graduate school that if folks truly do want to die, there is nothing to stop them. They will do it. For the far majority though, we can intercede on their ambivalence. I would caution about the guilt we feel in the aftermath. I hear folks say, "I should have done more," or "I should have said something earlier or tried harder." If only. . . . This regretfully surmises the person wanted help, they may not. We all do the best we can in such matters and hindsight is best, but is something we rarely have. It is easy to feel out of control when it comes to suicide. And the loss is beyond terrible.

It is important to speak up about it as best you can, ask, talk, seek out, suggest help, and be OUT about it. Do your best which all any of us can do. Remember SILENCE=DEATH and so let us not at all be silent about suicide! CMHS is putting together a comprehensive suicide prevent week for next Fall during National Suicide Prevention Week. The whole campus is getting involved. If you want to get involved, we want you to. Give me call and let's chat or email me by clicking here. I always welcome your comments!

 
Helping Students in Distress
A Faculty & Staff Guide

Barry's Corner Archives