skip to content

Grief is a Wicked Thing


October 2009

Grief is a wicked thing. It is an experience that is not wanted, is something everyone experiences, and is something everyone wants to get rid of once they have it. As our campus continues to slowly recover from the terrible and unthinkable murder of UConn student and football player, Jasper Howard, Counseling and Mental Health Services (CMHS) has been called upon many times to respond.

What most everyone wants is for us to come do something to make grief go away and go away now. Grief hurts and our job is to help people stop hurting, isn’t it; we’re the experts, can’t we do something? Our lamentable and short answer is that grief has to run its course; just no two ways around it, sorry (and we really are sorry). And we know people do not want to feel grief as we hear all sorts of statements used to refer to the uncomfortable emotions of grief: “I lost it,” “I broke down,” “I totally freaked out,” “I’m a basket case,” “I lost control,” and so on.

Do something CMHS! Okay, we will and here it is: CMHS wants to most gently remind you that grief is a normal and inevitable reaction to the incredible sense of loss that comes with unwanted change: loss of a person, loss of safety, loss of possessions, loss of relationship, loss of identity, loss of connection; loss of belonging, loss of status, and on and on it goes. Loss hurts! It takes time, it takes action to complete the tasks of grief, and it frankly it sucks. If that isn’t bad enough, many of us regretfully worsen our grief by becoming anxious or depressed that we so upset. Grief is normal, feels terrible, but is normal. Our reminder to you is to chill and take it as it comes. It will be unpredictable, it will hurt so very badly, it will cloud your judgment and leave you feeling ill, but with time and action, you can and will emerge on the other side.

Grief comes to all of us, some of us have it more than others, regretfully, but we all have it. We remind everyone to work through those tasks known to move us along through the process:

  • Accepting the Reality of Death: Immediately following loss many individuals experience conflicting feelings about accepting the reality of their loved one’s death. While periods of avoidance may provide a needed respite from your grief, the first task of grieving is to come to terms with this new reality. You may find yourself searching your environment for the person who has died, sensing the presence of the deceased or engaging in constant thoughts about the deceased. Acceptance is a process, not a one-time event. Give yourself time.
  • Doing One’s Duty: Many bereaved honor the deceased. This can take a healthy, adaptive form, or an unhealthy maladaptive form. Healthy grieving involves finding and expressing healthy ways of honoring loved ones.
  • Regaining Personal Control: After the sudden loss of a loved one a pronounced sense of helplessness may occur, especially during the college years when young adults are just sensing their autonomy and control in the world. Control can be gained by being thoughtful and making healthy choices about coping.
  • Making Sense of the World: Accepting death can violate core beliefs about life. However, it can also provide opportunities to construct new belief systems and for realigning perspective to help us focus on “what really matters.” It may be an invitation to live your own life with greater purpose. Making sense of the world is a critical task of grieving.

We also want to remind you that you already have support networks which are your best help in such terrible times. Your networks are family, friends, your roommates, your religious community, your student organization, your sports team, your residence hall floor, your advisors, and others. Seek connection and support from them and offer connection and support to them.

Some of you may say, quit asking me how I am doing, quit hugging me, and quit giving me those looks of sympathy. That’s cool. We all grieve in our own individual and cultural ways. Just don’t be too much of a martyr as seeking and receiving support helps everyone overall.

If reminding yourself that grief is normal, if reminding yourself that with action and time grief will move along, and if the support of your networks all do not eventually work, CMHS is here for you to provide extra assistance when grief persists too long and you find that you are not functioning well in your life. That aside, we regret that anything must ever happen to any of us that leaves us feeling so terribly. But since it does, let’s do it together and together we can all help ourselves through.

 
Helping Students in Distress
A Faculty & Staff Guide

Barry's Corner Archives